It’s that time of the year again, when I get all reflective. More so this year than others.
The year just flew by in a blur. 2014. When I look back to see where the year went by; I see that it’s been the year of courage. When I did so many things that seemed impossible. Many sleepless nights; hours of toil; much second guessing myself; and much being told I’m crazy and stupid. But I still did. And so far, it’s been alright.
2014 was the year my hair turned grey. The price I paid for the courage, the sleepless nights and all the ‘tension’. I have about 50 odd strands, all prominent up in the front. I have mixed feelings about celebrating them – they make me look a tad dignified “my age”. But thanks to media pressure, I do get all flustered about my hair turning grey and contemplate coloring it. So far, am loving the silver and have resisted the urge to color them red. Black is so boring.
But back to 2014. The year that I took charge of my life; working out what’s important to me, what’s not, and how I want to live. Instead of planning for retirement, I’m working my way back from it. I thought about how I’d like things to be when I retire; or “what if” I didnt have to work for money. And now I’m slowly working out how to put those things in place. Why wait another 10-20 years? What’s stopping me from doing it now? Easy to say. Difficult to do. But I’m slowly getting there.
2014. Jan. I started dreaming of a life where I got to work from home. Doing something I love. Getting more time with kiddo. And not having calls 3 nights a week. Today, I’m earning a living as a freelance writer, working from home, with more time with kiddo, without the calls 3 nights a week. It took much courage to make the transition. Leaving a steady job. Giving up the title “Manager” and all the strappings and ego boost that come from working at a big firm with a fancy title. Giving up the regular pay check. When I’m the bread winner. Transitioning to freelance mode. Unsteady paychecks. Lots of time spent finding and wooing clients. Learning about marketing, presentation, and what it means to be fully in charge. Without a safety net and hierarchy above or below. Learning the meaning of freedom, and responsibility, anew.
2014. I shifted house. Yet again. In Feb. And I may end up doing so, yet again, in the next few days, before the year is through. I don’t know why, but we have something with houses. For some freak reasons, we end up moving often. I’m hoping to curb that streak. I found a quaint flat that has a certain old world charm and the feel of a house; for a price I consider exorbitant, but seems to be the norm in Pune; and made a down payment – after a huge amount of jiggling and wiggling to get out of an investment I made in Bangalore last year – and then took on a huge loan. All by myself. Makes me feel proud – amazed at my capacity to take on and do what seems impossible. And sad, at doing it alone.
The icing – the flat should be ready by end of 2015. I’m already making mental images of how I want to do it up. Can’t wait!
[updated 2/26/2015 : I ended up shifting again. To a ground floor flat that was suddenly available. It has a huge garden. That’s motivation enough for me. It was more of a decrept patch of land. After 2 months, we have a lovely garden, and the kid and I spend most weekends outdoors.]
2014. Shit hit the roof in a particularly messy, close relationship. Shock. Hurt. Rage. Anger. Grief. Mourning the loss of something I realize I never had. Realizing that I was a fool, hoping for something that wasn’t. Still kicking myself for being such a fool and putting up with shit for so many years. Sigh. Smart as I am, I really didn’t know any better. But grateful, that at least, it’s now rather than later. And that I still have the courage, if not strength, to carry on. I’m now working my way out of that parasitic relationship.
And while everything around me seems to be up in the air, the grounding faith is that this too shall pass. I’ve been sorely tested many times this year. Many times I thought I would not make it. Many times I kicked myself, and others joined in, for taking up too much. For being a dreamer. For being discontent. For wanting change. For wanting the love and respect that I deserve. But I made it through. More or less.
All of these are major life events. That people go through at various points in life. For me, they’ve been condensed into one year.
I look around at the amazing sunshine streaming through the windows in every room. And I’m grateful. I’m grateful to still be here. To be able to be I at home during the day; to experience the day; to feel the sunshine; to see the green. I don’t know what connection I have with the earth, but I’m just glad to see the green of the plants, the yellow sunlight, and open blue skies.
Thank you God. Thank you Universe. Thank you for carrying me through this year. It’s been a rather crazy ride. Couldn’t have done it without you.
2014 has been a year of pruning. Removing the negative experiences; the things that drain my energy; the things that hold me back.
May 2015 be the year of growth. Of creating the life I want. That I deserve.