Stepping into the unknown

Image Credit: Alice Popkorn

Image Credit

With just one week to go at my day job, everyone’s asking me what next. And I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any concrete plans. I haven’t planned out what I want to do. I just have a bunch of ideas, of things I can do, and things I’d like to do.  I haven’t even planned what I’m going to do the first week at home.

For me, that’s scary. I like to plan. I intensely dislike the unknown. I like to work out everything up ahead. In this case, I actually worked through the last few months to have everything lined up just right – a side gig that would supplement my income – so that I could transition smoothly. And a few days ago, it just fell through. Without warning. And just when I’m ready to transition, I have nothing to transition to. The most important lesson of working for yourself – have a plan B in place. There will be lean months. After close to 6 months of meticulous planning, and a whole lotta hard work, I’m back to square one.

I’m trying to tell myself it’s ok. I’ll figure it out. Just like I always do. If the last coupla months have taught me anything, it’s to believe in the impossible, and just keep at it until I make it happen. In the last few months, I’ve achieved things I never thought possible, and was too scared to think were possible. I did. Persistence. Faith. It’s pulled me through before, and I’m still counting on it. Just square your shoulders and keep going.

I’m one of those restless souls that’s gotta keep doing something. I can’t sit still. I can’t er, chill. I’m always juggling multiple balls in the air. This time around as well, I have them all in the air, and I wonder what’s going to happen. I try to take a step back and relax, ease up a bit, and let go of the need to be useful, productive. Just for a little while. But I can’t. I’m too afraid of the uncertainties. I want to keep going until things stabilize, and then take a break. It’s a nervous energy. That’s not very productive.

I tell myself its ok. I’ve been on my feet since as long as can remember. I dont remember when I last had it slow, easy. Perhaps this is the right time. If only I can let go of the fear. I’m afraid because I’m the breadwinner. Unlike most women. I’ve gotten used to being responsible. all the time. This time around, I’ve worked hard to have my support system set up, at least to cover the basics. That’s my safety net. I know I’ll be ok if I give myself a break and take a month off. But I’m afraid. What if things don’t work out after 1 month? What if I don’t get new Clients? What if I can’t meet the massive down payment due on the new house in Aug? I can’t slow down, or take a break, with the uncertainty hanging over my head.

I try to take a step back and breathe. I know I can. I’ve done it before. I can. If I just let go of the fear. If I can just ignore than deep panic within. I picture the worse case scenario, and try to evaluate it, as detached as I can. It’s not really that bad. Its actually not bad at all. It’s way better than most people’s “best case”. It’s just not MY best case. It’s just not what I’d been aiming for. And it’s certainly not the end of the world.

Take a deep breath. Steady. Keep going.

 

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