A tall order

Reading “Committed“.  Quite an analysis of the history and evolution of marriage :)

Wondering – are my/our/this generation’s expectations from love and marriage way too high?
Over the last few decades, we’re moving to a mode/culture, where the individuals choose their spouse. And increasingly we want this decision to be based on “love”. We also want this person to be our partner for life. In every way. We expect – and want – them to be our best friend; the perfect lover, the perfect provider/homemaker. And ofcourse, the perfect person.
We want them to understand us. To ‘know’ us. To be there for us. Always. We get upset when they’re less than perfect; when they dont love us the way we want to be loved; when they arent there for us – the way we want; when they have habits that we dont like; when they fail to read our minds, or our moods; when they dont think the way we do. We forget – they’re different people.

Some quotes from the book

“If you are a Hmong woman, then you dont necessarily expect your husband to be your best friend, your most intimate confidant, your emotional advisor, your intellectual equal, your comfort in
times of sorrow. Hmong women instead get a lot of that emotional support from other women. ”

“In Hmong society, for instance, men and women dont spend all that much time together. Yes, you have a spouse. Yes, you have sex with that spouse. Yes, your fortunes are tied together. Yes, there might well be love. But aside from that men’s and women’s lives are quite firmly divided into realms of their gender specific tasks.”

The Hmong sound like India 50 or a 100 years ago. I’m beginning to believe they were on to something.


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